There once was a husband and wife. The husband loved the wife dearly and always did what he could to make his wife happy. They would laugh and have fun together throughout the day, even sharing loving intimate moments.
The wife was having trouble going to sleep when the husband was out of the room, so the husband got sick of having to go to bed at the same time she went to bed, so he decided to experiment a little. He decided he was going to shut the door, and allow her to fall asleep on her own, no matter how long it took. The wife started to feel lonely and just wanted a little reassurance from her husband. She was still very much loved by him, but no matter how loudly she yelled for him, or how many times she asked for him, he did not come. She eventually feel asleep, exhausted, feeling abandoned by her husband.
The next day, the husband woke her up, smiled, and acted like nothing had happened the night before. The wife of course was still very shaken up about what happened the night before. This happened night after night, until the wife finally just gave up and started falling asleep without making a fuss.
How do you think that wife felt? Do you think it hurt their relationship? Do you think the wife trusts the husband the same as before? Does that make you angry at the husband for not being there for his wife?
That story is of course an extreme exaggeration, the husband/wife relationship is very different than the parents/children. But think it about it, parents respond lovingly throughout the day, and at night, when it is dark and scary, there is no one to be found. How scary for their little minds!
Babies do not develop object permanence until 8 or 9 months old, so when crying it out has begun, not only do mommy and daddy not come with baby cries, baby has no idea mommy and daddy even exist. Just take a second and think about how scary that would be.
Now that we have thought about what crying-it-out does emotionally to an infant, let's talk about what it does physically. I have heard a few people say "crying is good for babies! It helps exercise their lungs!" This is clearly a myth, as crying for extended periods have detrimental affects on the babies body.
This article on psychology today, states many dangers that occur with crying it out.
The first thing the author points out is the damage to the baby's brain. "When the baby is greatly distressed,it creates conditions for damage to synapses, network construction which occur very rapidly in the infant brain. The hormone cortisol is released. In excess, it's a neuron killer which many not be apparent immediately (Thomas et al. 2007). A full-term baby (40-42 weeks), with only 25% of its brain developed, is undergoing rapid brain growth. The brain grows on average three times as large by the end of the first year (and head size growth in the first year is a sign ofintelligence, e.g., Gale et al., 2006)."
The second point the author notes is damage to the nerves: "Disordered stress reactivity can be established as a pattern for life not only in the brain with the stress response system (Bremmer et al, 1998), but also in the body through the vagus nerve, a nerve that affects functioning in multiple systems (e.g., digestion). For example, prolonged distress in early life, resulting in a poorly functioning vagus nerve, is related disorders as irritable bowel syndrome (Stam et al, 1997). See more about how early stress is toxic for lifelong health from the recent Harvard report, The Foundations of Lifelong Health are Built in Early Childhood)."
Third is self regulation: "The baby is absolutely dependent on caregivers for learning how to self-regulate. Responsive care---meeting the baby's needs before he gets distressed---tunes the body and brain up for calmness. When a baby gets scared and a parent holds and comforts him, the baby builds expectations for soothing, which get integrated into the ability to self comfort. Babies don't self-comfort in isolation. If they are left to cry alone, they learn to shut down in face of extensive distress--stop growing, stop feeling, stop trusting (Henry & Wang, 1998)."
The author goes on to note the danger to trust, and to future emotional sensitivity of the caregiver.
I feel like ALL those things are something most parents do everything they can to avoid! So why is crying it out so popular?
I really think it is because parents want the babies to be on their schedule. Most babies will naturally fall into their own schedule at a few months old, but parents like to have their routine as similar to their pre-baby routine as soon as possible. Society helps push that point, praising the women who are back at work so soon after giving birth, for getting their bodies back at soon at possible. Society asks if the baby is a "good" baby, implying if he/she sleeps through the night, or wakes you up multiple times throughout the night. If baby is not sleeping through the night at a very early age, your parenting is critiqued, and you are told you are spoiling the baby. (Note: You can NOT spoil a baby.) Another blog on that topic coming soon.
I think we were created with a mothers intuition for a reason, and I honestly think if we respect that, we will always be making the right parenting decision, and crying it out is never what our intuition is telling us. In fact every woman says how much of a struggle it is to not respond to your baby. This is because you were designed to respond to your baby!
You do not want the baby to feel what the wife in the story is feeling. You wouldn't want your husband do let you 'cry it out'. LOVE on that baby!
In the next post, we will talk about the benefits of co-sleeping, and other sleep tricks.
I am looking forward to also diving into the benefits of early dependence and how it leads to independence, not a spoiled child.
