I knew about time outs, I thought they worked well, and is a great alternative for other harsher punishments. I use them all the time on my daycare children, it just how you "do" discipline these days. Positive reinforcement and time outs are what is preached to child care professionals, and I never questioned it, until now.
I came across this article: http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts and it made me really second guess what time outs are actually doing to our children.
To summarize the article, here are her top 5 reasons why time outs could be harmful:
1. Timeouts make children feel bad about themselves.
- Usually children are acting out when they already feel bad about themselves, why should we encourage this and continue the cycle? The child is not bad. The behavior just needs to change.
2. Kids need our help to learn to calm themselves.
- They are feeling emotions that are too big for them to handle, they need their parents help to show them how to respond to these really difficult feelings.
3. You're breaking the child's trust in you by triggering his fear of abandonment.
- By placing a child alone, you are teaching them if they are not "good", you will separate yourself from them.
4. Instead of reaffirming your child so she WANTS to please you, time outs create a power struggle.
- The child may think of ways to get back at you for putting them in timeout, it also could create more problems with lying, because they are afraid of the consequences. It creates a mom vs child, rather then being in sync.
5. Because you have to harden your heart to your child's distress during a time out, time out's erode your empathy for your child.
- Empathy is what builds a relationship, if it gets torn down, the relationship will not be as strong.
I really encourage you to read the article as she really breaks these things down.
I don't want my child to feel any of these things. I want them to be able to come to me with any emotions, and not feel as if I will send them away until they are feeling what I want them to feel. I think this sets the stage for how they will come to you as teenagers and adults. If you sent them away whenever they were having really strong emotions, why would they come to you with their big problems?
This also made me think about how we handle temper tantrums for toddlers. I am a nanny for 1 year old twins. They are starting to throw temper tantrums, and we are taught to simply ignore them, as they will not put energy into something that does not get attention. After reading this article, is this the right way to handle that?
Think about it, these toddlers are probably beginning to feel emotions that they have never felt before. By simply ignoring them, we are not helping them find ways to express this emotion, we are teaching them to suppress it. The exact opposite of what we want them to do when they are older.
It totally freaks me out that I have no clue how I should discipline my child. I know that spanking is out, so I just automatically thought time outs was the only other option..
I've been researching and looking into to positive discipline books, and love and logic. I never knew how much I did not know about disciplining a child until last night.
Parents, if you could help me along my journey, how do you discipline? How do you think it makes your child feel? How do you feel about it? How do you know it's working or not working?
No criticism here, we are all just learning and growing on this journey. Thanks for being apart of my learning experience!
Very interesting points on time out that I've never thought of! I have to ask though, for those children that positive discipline doesn't work for, what do you do? It's something I've always wondered.
ReplyDeleteThat's a question I am struggling with as well! I am looking into it, and maybe there will be a blog post in the future about it! Let me know if you find anything out in the mean time!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input! :)
Discipline has to be unpleasant for the child in some way if it's going to be effective. And without an effective deterrent, you will have an out-of-control child.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think spanking (when used appropriately) is the simplest, most effective choice. It's quick and it's unpleasant enough to be effective, without causing long-term damage. Apparently you've already ruled that out for some reason that you haven't explained here. Of course I realize spanking isn't an option in daycare when you're dealing with someone else's children, but for parents it is an option. Children who are well-disciplined at home will rarely need to be disciplined by anyone else - they know that when mom/dad hears they were acting up they'll be in trouble at home.
Regarding the particular points you shared:
1. Of course if the child is acting out due to feeling bad or some such, those issues need to be addressed separately. I think punishment is still appropriate (children need to learn that bad behavior is not an acceptable outlet for negative emotions) but the caregiver should also make an effort to address issues of self-esteem, depression, or whatever in other ways, not JUST punish.
2. I think you're selling kids short here. Kids CAN control their emotions quite well when they are expected and taught to do so. This is one place where I find a time-out type of consequence to be very useful. I used to put my daughter, at just 2-3 years old, in a corner when she was throwing a screaming fit or crying and whining and told her she had to stay there, facing the wall, until she could calm down and smile, and then she could come out. Amazingly, it took her about 30 seconds to get her emotions under control and come out smiling and cheerful. My son was a little different - he would scream and cry for as long as I left him in the corner, but as soon as I went back and gave him a hug then he would calm down. Just a hug in the first place didn't work, he would keep fighting and screaming. A minute in the corner (to say, this behavior is NOT acceptable), followed by the hug and comfort, was what he needed.
3. Time-out isn't abandonment. I don't really use time-outs, but I do put them in a corner or chair to calm down (as above), and when I do I'm typically still in the same room with them. They can see and hear me, and know I'm still there. Kids are smart enough to know that's not abandonment.
4. Absolutely any punishment of any sort can create a power-struggle, so this is not specific to time-outs. Unless you're advocating for no negative consequences (Good luck with that and I hope I never have to deal with your kids) this is something you'll have to deal with. Teaching kids good behavior means teaching them to do what YOU want them to do and NOT what THEY want to do. This is, by it's very nature, a power struggle, and one that the parent should win. Of course it's nicer and easier if my kids voluntarily do the right thing in order to please me, and quite often they do. But I also need to be able to make them do things that are good for them, even if they don't want to. Otherwise they might as well be in charge, with me desperately trying to convince, bribe, sweet-talk, and cajole them into doing what they need to - that's no way to raise a child.
5. Sometimes parents must do things that their children don't like, knowing that it is best for them. That doesn't mean you are ignoring their distress - you're hearing it, and overriding it with your knowledge of what is best. I discipline my children BECAUSE I love them and want what is best for them, and because I want them to turn into well-adjusted, responsible adults. If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother.
~Mother of 3
Thank you so much for your very well thought out comments! I have ruled out spanking because I want an absolutly no hitting environment,from me or the children. But I know parents who have spanked, and my husband and I were spanked ourselves, and we can see there isn't very many long term affects. We are simply choosing to go a different route with our future babies.
DeleteYou have so much insight on this! I was in no way trying to "bash" time outs or saying I was not doing time outs, the point of this blog is me exploring parenting ideas and getting ideas/thoughts from other people! Thanks for helping me do that! You gave me alot to think about!